Extraordinary claims require extraordinary shirts.

Blog

Victimless Form of Human Love Blamed for Low-Pressure Weather System October 30, 2012 21:22 2 Comments

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="615"] John McTernan, looking like a new evangelical preacher character Impressionist Frank Caliendo might be working on. (Source: The Raw Story)[/caption]

Pastor Wins Award for Being First to Link Hurricane with Naughty Sinners

In a move shocking everyone today, Defend and Proclaim the Faith Ministries founder John McTernan has fixed the blame for the rampant wettening and gustimization of the East Coast on the homosexual agenda, among other awful sins, according to Gay Star News and The Raw Story.  Surprisingly, the leader of the Homo Brigade has NOT come forward and confessed to angering Yahweh so much that He created a vast tropical cyclone.  IF ONLY THEY WOULD TAKE THEIR DICKS OUT OF BUTTS AND APOLOGIZE!

Ahem.  This... this is no longer news, you know?  You can set your watch, you can successfully poach a delicious egg by sitting back and waiting for the evangelicals to pin devastating natural events on the "sins" of the world.  I'm only sharing this one because, man oh (on) man, McTernan spins such a tale of conspiracy, his leaps of logic are so graceful and vast that one can't help but be impressed.  He first claims that America earned God's wrath when George Bush Primus initiated the Madrid Conference to negotiate peace between Israel and Palestine.  So right out of the gate, he's against peace.  McTernan goes on to play his CD of "Panicky, Confrontational Evangelist's Greatest Hits," like:

  • Obama is 100% behind the Muslim Brotherhood
  • The Madrid Conference was 21 years ago! 21 is 3 X 7, and both of those are MAGIC NUMBERS OF CHRIST*
  • Hurricanes Katrina and Isaac both hit New Orleans during the "Southern Decadence in New Orleans" festival, a super-gay event**
  • Katrina and Isaac were SEVEN (7!) years apart! MAGIC GOD DIGIT

Slightly surprisingly, McTernan says that voting Romney won't help, because both he and Obama are in the pocket (tee hee!) of big gay Al... genda.  So, I guess we're just doomed.

How is this still a thing that happens?  Do we still understand so very little about weather patterns, about low-and-high-pressure systems, about what happens on this planet given certain circumstances that grown men point to an angry tyrant punishing his subjects for living in a way that, coincidentally, happens to make said grown men a little uncomfortable?  How does this still go on?  Or do these adult people, who are allowed to drive cars and rear children, know full well that this is not the case, but chomp at the bit when a natural disaster strikes because it gives them another chance to flap their gums and maybe scare one or two impressionable folk into dropping a fiver in the collection bin?   Think about it, won't you? Thank you.

*He's right here, at least about 3.  Schoolhouse Rock!
**Since when do homosexuals get dibs on decadence? I can be decadent, dammit!


Billboard to Do What No Debate Has Done - REALLY Address Romney's Faith October 21, 2012 23:46 35 Comments

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"] I hope people can read tiny fine print as a mobile billboard zooms by. Because it's important. It's a real hope! I'm not being sarcastic! (Source: CNN)[/caption]

Organized Atheists Stick to the Plan of Using the Billboard as Their Only Tactic - BUT ON WHEELS

American Atheists have licked their wounds (has? wound?) after having their billboards pulled from the convention area in North Carolina a few months back, and have returned with a vengeance.  A billboard-powered vengeance!  ...It's a mild, easy-going sort of vengeance, according to a recent story from CNN.

While Mitt Romney campaigns in Florida leading up to his final showdown with the President, cruising the mean streets of the muggiest place on Earth will be a mobile billboard condemning the Mittster's religion for its exclusionist practices.  The billboard refers to the doctrine preventing black people from serving as priests (who am I kidding? Black men.  Women will ALWAYS be NEVER allowed to do ANYTHING), that is, until 1978, when Kolob's Space God sent a magic message to change the law.  It also refers to the ongoing discrimination towards the homosexual community (who am I kidding again? Gays.  Because lesbians will ALWAYS be NEVER considered IMPORTANT).

But! A twist! Mormons say that the billboard's claims are inaccurate!

"People are surely free to disagree with us on the facts," Dale Jones, a church spokesman, quickly damage-controlled in an email to CNN.  "This group seems not to know that there have been black members of the Church since our earliest history, and there are many faithful gay members of the Church today."

That's a very good point.  American Atheists just don't have the facts!   LIke the fact that, even though they're have always been black members of the Mormon church, they were originally prevented from becoming priests (something EVERY SINGLE MALE MEMBER of the Mormon church becomes) because every single black person has the mark of Cain and is a descendant of Bigfoot. (By the way, this didn't change in that "revelation.")  Or the fact that 80 to 90 percent of the door-to-door volunteers pioneering for Proposition 8 (the California state amendment that would only allow the union between a man and a woman be recognized and valid in the state) were of the LDS team, and that almost 200 grand was spent by the Mormon church towards Prop 8.  Yep. A church spent its funds to influence legislation of the right-refusing variety.  Exactly what they're not really supposed to do.

So, yes, feel free to point out that you do have specific demographics in your congregation.  But don't try to hide the face that you may not exactly want them there.

Go billboard, go billboard, go!  I feel like our store needs a Mormon shirt....


Glenn Beck Knows What God Can Do With His Finger October 05, 2012 05:55 11 Comments

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="615"] Glenn Beck, puffy and on the verge of tears. (Source: The Raw Story)[/caption]

Romney's Falling Poll Numbers Proof of Upcoming Miracle, says Washed-Up Talking Head

One nigh-worthless human being has interviewed another, resulting in the utterance of some ridiculous things, according to a recent Raw Story article (which means we all win!).  Glenn Beck (who has yet to move into the black hole of obscurity that consumes all useless mouthpieces) was interviewed by David Barton, whom you may remember as the author of The Jefferson Lies, which has been called "the least credible history book in print." The interview appears on "Right Wing Watch," which I'm sure is a wholly objective news outlet interested in only the truth**.  Within said interview, Beck opened his gaping flap chasm (tm) and uttered what we all know to be true - Mitt Romney was no one's first choice (which is odd, because weren't there like nine Republican candidates just six months ago?).

This means (according to Beck), "God is trying to make this so clear to us that if it happens [A Romney win in November], it’s his finger. Because nothing looks good.”  This leads to numerous questions:

  • Is god's plan to watch the voting process unfold, dictating the will of the nation's voters, and then ignore it and fudge the numbers?  Or
  • Is god going to enter the minds of each person within the voting booth and effectively undo free will for three minutes PER voter?
  • Why not simply make Romney a likable, effective, winnable politician, instead of leave him as someone that makes someone as Joseph-Smith-believingly thick as Glenn Beck say, "there’s no reason that I should feel good on this."
  • What's god's finger got to do with anything?

Finally, Beck was clear to say "if." I've gotta hand it to the man - it's a great way to cover your tushy when you're spouting pure, unfiltered malarky.  "Well, if Romney wins in spite of his crippling unpopularity and lack of any likable traits, it will clearly be God's finger doing the fingering. If Obama wins, then God works in mysterious ways.  Now excuse me while I return to my subterranean lair, half-submerged in my own tears, covered in chalkboards filled with my inane scribblings."*

If you'd like to suffer through two grown men verbally yank off over Mitt Romney, comparing him to George Washington in the process, you can watch the video here.

Yep, I got to write "God's finger doing the fingering". This is the tops!  Let's put that on a shirt!

 

*this may not in fact be a literal quote

 

**EDIT: Our intrepid readership has informed me that Right Wing Watch is a project from People for the American Way tasked with monitoring and reporting the extreme right.  Thanks for the info!


ExMormons On Mitt August 13, 2012 15:09 5 Comments

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="503"] A billboard advertising ex-Mormon support groups; Mormon pioneer leader Brigham Young in front of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Temple in Salt Lake City; Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney; ex-Mormon Sue Emmett. (Source: Getty Images; AP Photo)[/caption]

Brigham Young's descendant on Mormons and Mitt

The Daily Beast has caught up with Sue Emmett, the great-great-granddaughter of Brigham Young and current president of the ExMormon Foundation, to get her take on why she left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and how she feels about current Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.  Brigham Young, if you don't know, was the founder of Salt Lake City and the Mormon president and prophet for 30 years, and is famous for stating, about increasing his flock, quote, "I don't care how you bring 'em, just bring 'em young."

Ahem.

Emmett's comments fall right in line with what I've heard about Mormonism - it spends most of its money promoting the image that many of its followers expemplify: honest, wholesome family values.  That's so you don't know about A) all the crazy stuff, and B) all the intolerant crap, most of which Emmett details in her quest for equal treatment as a Mormon woman.  When talking about Romney, she brings up the White Horse Prophecy, which sounds like something out of a Stephen King novel, but is probably at the forefront of Mitt's mind, no matter how much he says it isn't.  The thing that astonished me the most? Emmett is of the opinion that Mitt's father, George Romney, who ran for President in 1968, "would have made a much better president. In many ways the church was more benign then than it is now.”  Staggering.  Apparently, at the height of rampant racism within the Mormon church, it was MORE BENIGN than it is now.  Yeesh.  Take the time to click here and read the full article over at The Daily Beast.