Extraordinary claims require extraordinary shirts.

Blog

Broken Crucifix Removes Man's Leg, No Word on Misguided Faith November 03, 2012 16:14 2 Comments

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="300"] Cancer Cure, Amputation Cause (Source: CBS 2)[/caption]

Man Gives Statue Credit for Wife's Remission, Blame for His Amputated Leg

In a case of delicious, comforting irony, as if someone baked irony with nutmeg and a pinch of cinnamon and then served it with hot cocoa on a night where frost lightly collects on your windowsill but you're inside with a loved one and a good book, a large slab of stone crushed a man's leg.  ...Ok, that needs some context.

Reported by CBS News, the man is David Jimenez, 45.  The stone is a broken crucifix, which until recently stood outside the Church of St. Patrick in Newburgh.  Jimenez was cleaning the statue when it dislodged and fell on top of him, crushing his right leg.  So far, so tragic.

Jimenez was or is in no way an employee of the church - rather, he works at a pizza parlor.  He was only given permission to clean the crucifix because of his hitherto unyielding devotion to the statue - you see, Jimenez's wife was cured of her ovarian cancer in 2010.  Jimenez does not attribute the disease's successful abeyance to medical science, devoted doctors, or even chance remission, but to his frequent stops to pray in front of a dirty old crucifix.  How could he not? He prayed in front of a statue, she was cured.  No other explanation.

But the statue was clearly not done with Jimenez.  Just as it had implanted healthy cells inside Mrs. Jimenez's ovaries, this manipulative and clearly powerful slab of rock brainwashed Jimenez into giving it a good scrubbing, only to topple at the opportune moment to claim its payment in BLOOD.

Or maybe statue maintenance should be left to professionals, and not 45-year-old pizza parlor workers.  One can only assume his prayers to cure his wife ended with "and please, let that assistant manager position open up - I can't kill the rats behind the sauce vats forever, I'm not a young man anymore!"

Jimenez is now suing the church due to the latter's insurance company has been, "less than forthcoming," according to Kevin Kitson, the former's attorney.  Again, one imagines Jimenez was wheeled around to various other faitheries, praying to random busts, crosses, and sconces before giving in and relying on plain ol' human civil courts to handle this.

...Ok, I've re-read this, and it comes across as really cruel.  I sincerely hope Mr. Jimenez will be fine, and am terribly sorry that this accident ended in amputation - I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  But... come on. How do I not share a story like this with you guys? I like you all too much to keep this sort of thing from you in the name of "decency."