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Your "War On Christmas" Round-Up! December 01, 2012 09:56 12 Comments

Pat Robertson, either communicating with God or passing one heck of a BM. (Source: commons.wikimedia.org)

Talking Heads Say Ludicrous Things with SURPRISE TWIST

Halls are being decked, sugar plums are now invading dreams, and chestnuts have begun roasting themselves on open fires (if you're wealthy enough to have picked up some of those great automated self-roasting Chestnutbots).  Yes, the holiday season is upon us all, and whether or not you go in for that sort of merriment, we can all share in the warmth and joy of one yuletide tradition: the War on Christmas, waged by foreigners, non-believers, and the Jewish.  Gather round, my darlings!

On the 19th of November, the year of no lord 2012, Cryptkeeper-In-Training Pat Robertson lamented that atheists were actively forcing all God-loving/fearing Christians to be miserable this holiday season because, "They’re miserable so they want you to be miserable."  This came as a response to a story about the city of Santa Monica shutting down a nativity display in a public park because atheists had decided to set up their own display as well.   Robertson is often attacking atheists, usually in response for how often we attack the religious, with, according to him, the same level of ferocity and determination as the Nazis vs the Jews.  Frankly, I would be on board for a Grinch-like stealing of Christmas. I love Christmas. I want it just for me!

But we'll come back to Robertson in a bit.  One couldn't fire the opening shots of the War on Christmas without Bill O'Reilly at the front lines, saying one of the most foolish, "get-out-of-jail-free" statements we've ever heard.  In an interview with David Silverman, who is apparently our "leader," if the video's title is to be believed, O'Reilly not only calls atheists a "merry band of fascists," he not only offers us the winter solstice so we can leave Christmas alone - he outright calls Christianity a philosophy.  Not a religion.


At that point, everyone in the audience and all the crew did a simultaneous spit-take, drowning seven. (Source: gawker)

He is staggeringly adamant about this.  I really hope, I wish upon the furthest star in the sky, I dream the impossible dream that pressed on this issue, Bill O'Reilly would gladly advocate for the taxation of every... um, "house of philosophy" that pulls in money from its philosophy tithes.  Can't tax a religion, but we can sure as hell finance our deficit with an immensely profitable philosophy, right?  Bill dug himself even deeper on his next night's broadcast, where he insisted on his "philosophy-not-religion" angle while arguing about Holiday Tree VS Christmas Tree with independent Rhode Island governor Lincoln Chafee.

But the volleys in this violent, bloody War on Christmas aren't just coming from the aged and Fox News'd.  No, we have our own band of mischief makers causing a ruckus.  In a severe case of taking sarcasm and crushing irony way too far, Pennsylvanian Pastafarians are demanding an equal amount of festive display outside the Chester County courthouse.  Yes, beside the nativity, the tree, and the token menorah off in the corner, Evangelical Pastafarian Tracy McPherson demands equal representation for her noodle-based lord.


This deserves equal treatment. (Source: The Raw Story)

Who is this for, exactly?  How cynical, sour-faced and dull do you have to be to drive by a courthouse with a display equally representing Christmas, Hanukkah, and made-up ironic mishegoss and say "Got 'em!"?  What, precisely, is the point?  This helps no one, this level of unbridled sarcasm and witlessness.  At best it is a waste of everyone's time and energy; at worst it feeds directly into the notion that the O'Reillys of the world already have - that atheists are, at the crux of it, intent on slander and mockery.  I get simply saying "Well, why not make room for every bit of 'religious' imagery - they're all as likely to be true!"  But going so far as to stand in front of a council of county commissioners and state, “As a Pastafarian, I believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the world and all that is in it... He holds us all to the ground with his noodly appendages and that explains why we do not float away" doesn't make anyone think seriously about their own beliefs - it just makes us quite irritable towards YOU. So cut it out.

And hey, from one Proud Atheist to another, Merry Christmas!


Speaking of the season of giving, why not give one of our wonderful shirts as a gift to that lucky nonbeliever in your life?